10. When sorting cattle, be more specific than, “Hold the black one.”

9. “A little late,” means less than an hour — anything more and you know where the microwave is.

8. Just because it’s felt and has fewer blood, manure and sweat stains doesn’t make it a ‘Sunday’ Stetson.

7. Any birthday gift hinting at self-improvement is suicidally stupid.

6. She and the guy at the parts counter agree — “whatchmacallit and dohickey” don’t cut it.

5. If you leave a tractor tire near the lawn don’t be surprised if it turns into a petunia planter.

4. When your cell phone goes through the washer, it’s your own darn fault.

3. Aim for ‘getting the gate’ yourself at least 50% of the time.

2. Better to let weeds grow in the lot than risk 2,4-D drift into her garden.

1. Falling asleep in the easy chair negates all rights to the remote.

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