10. Leave your fiscally responsible wife at home.
9. Tell everyone it was your father’s final wish you own that critter — and make sure Dad stays in the pickup.
8. If you have a cute little daughter, coach her to cry and beg. And if you don’t have a cute little daughter, hire one.
7. Stop the sale and announce the stock market has crashed, corn, beans and cattle are limit-down — and then say, “Please carry on.”
6. Dress up like a veterinarian and spend the pre-sale time staring at the animal, shaking your head back and forth and looking at a thermometer.
5. Put a quarantine sign out by the road.
4. Act like a total goofball who doesn’t know a darn thing and tell everybody that that is the best animal in the sale.
3. Raise your own bid a few times so people will think you’re crazy and back off.
2. Point and laugh whenever someone else bids.
1. Hold your hand in the air until someone tells you to put it down.